clouds

This morning, I start my life not doing any good.
Just wasting time in my phone, looking for a better version of human.
Probably they are not even contempt with their life and still I envy them.
So I would like to write my daily negative thought this morning, and think about it better.

I am not good enough
What if I fail? What if my decision leads my life to doom?
I don't deserve anyone

I think about this like they are a clouds which getting closer to me. As they come closer and closer, I start to panic and can't think clear. But no matter what it will come to hit me.

First cloud strikes me right in the heart, saying that I will never be good enough for everyone, including myself. That is why I should appreciate myself more. I should appreciate my own effort. I did better compare to yesterday. I write my own thought better and clear without shedding any tears now. I am more stable now, especially my mental health. I should not expect someone else to make me feel better and good enough for them, because everyone have their own pace and needs.

And this clouds passes me without any trouble. Another clouds is coming and start whispering, "failure is waiting for me". This second cloud does not remind me to remember that actually failure is a proof that I am doing something, trying to be better me. I am definitely better than those who do not even start because they are afraid. Every single decision in front of me is definitely have a chance of failure, and of course chance of success. 50% success and 50% failure. But if I don't try it, the chance of failure will keep increasing to 100% failure. My decision will not always be right. But, I will learn something from it. I will never know if I don't try, I shall never run and keep facing it no matter what. Think about it and ask myself, will the doom really still affect me in 5 years? My decision is something that can already be seen even before I know what my option will be.

The last cloud is here and will not wait the second cloud drifting away. This clouds is definitely the strongest one. The cloud who always haunting me. It always there and waiting to bring me down. But not today! I am definitely not deserve anyone. Any single person on earth. But do they deserve me? I always the one who give my whole self. But here is the chaotic part, I expect something from it. I should not expect people to treat me the way I treat them. I deserve myself. I am what I am. And I have to treat myself more. At least I do not have to expect it from other people. I deserve my own effort.